Give Me a Book Deal.

I Fucking Rule

Yeah, motherfuckers, yeah.  Bow down to me.

My jism is made of gold.

How About Season 3, Episode 7 of Silver Spoons?

a book all about.. ONE episode of a tv show.

Submitted by Stacey Fitzgerald

Keep Sending Them In, Folks

My Life as the Assistant Manager of a Boston-Area Subway Franchise: A Memoir 

Here is an excerpt:

What are your goals? What do you hope to ultimately achieve in life? I work at a subway sandwich shop as an assistant manager. This is because I couldn’t afford to go to college.  I wanted to go to culinary school and applied to the Culinary Institute of America, which is the best cooking school in the United States.

My abiding passion and interest is in sandwiches. I want to revolutionize the sandwich. I want to start my own sandwich shop here in Boston. If you think about it, every culture is reflected in its food. When we think of Italy, we think of pasta, pizza, whatever. When we think of Japan, we think of sushi. When we think of Spain, we think of paella. When we think of Russia, we think of borscht. In America, we think of sandwiches.  Or we will someday, I hope.

I want to be the Alice Waters of sandwiches. I can change how we view sandwiches and hence how we look at ourselves as a people and a culture.

Our hopes, our dreams, our passions, our fears are reflected in sandwiches. They tell us who we are as a people and a nation. Think about it. Think about how sandwiches have changed in America in the last twenty years. Toppings, flavor combinations and so on.  Sandwiches can bring peace. They make us better people. They make us want to achieve great things.

Submitted by Theresa Rickenbacker

This Would Either Make a Great Children’s Book or an Amazing Movie on Cinemax at 4:00 a.m.

Bitch Ate My Compost

A whimsical post-modern fairy-tale about a goat and his goat wife living under the staircase in an upscale manhattan restaurant.  Things get hairy when the compost bin turns up mysteriously empty.  Hilarity ensues.

Submitted by Richard Knapp

The First Reader-Submitted Idea

i can haz a literate pussy

readers take pictures of their vaginas and send them in anonymously and you add literary quotations in bubble captions. a sure crowd pleaser.

Courtesy of Cajun Boy in the City

Sightings of Björk in NYC Wherein She Acts Like a Total Loon

A four-volume tome cross-referenced by neighborhood (the West Village!!  The Meatpacking District!!) in which everybody’s formerly favorite Icelandic alternative act that we’re all now totally bored with acts bizarrely.  As re-told by New Yorkers such as yourself.  Have you ever seen the former Sugarcubes frontwoman singing the alphabet backwards in Swahili at the Miracle Grill?  Come across her crying at Kim’s Video while wearing a fur coat in the middle of August?  Been witness to her beating the shit out of a bodega cashier near Marc Jacobs on Bleecker Street while yelling, “I’m an eagle!!  I’m an eagle!!”

Send in your stories, folks.  Do all of the work and make me rich.  I have no intention of sharing my royalties with you.  But you don’t care.  You just want to be a part of it all.

Three Normal Middle-Class Guys Who Think They’re Unique Because They Live in Manhattan

This one is more of a reality show idea (so really, any kind of deal involving useless entertainment is fine with me).  It’ll follow around the titular subjects while they lounge around in their Murray Hill living room on Saturday afternoons watching Planet of the Apes on TBS and discussing how R.E.M. just isn’t as good as they used to be.  It’ll also show them at work wearing business casual outfits, being denied reservations at hip restaurants and getting drunk in the East Village on Friday and Saturday nights.

During sweeps week, one of them will get an STD.

Based on the maybe happening show following around these three ladies.

That Slovakian Kid I Used to Beat Up in Grade School

This one is kind of self-explanatory. Another rip-off of Stuff White People Like. But with far less relevant social commentary.

Send in your stories, people.

Photos of Aborted Fetuses

Everybody loves a good coffee table book.  This one will be perfect for poring over with your friends in your all-white modernist West Village apartment after a swanky meal at the Spotted Pig.

Send in your photos, and I’ll post them.  After we get about 50 or so, that ought to be enough to make a book with.  And then the book deal will come immediately.  I can just feel it.